I don’t know why, but I think my brain is in some way parted. Well, not just like it is with everyones: Left and right hemisphere. But parted into languages. I just know two languages (the three Spanish words I remember from school don’t count as a third one and ordering a beer in Spanish I didn’t learn at school but from Asterix), and right now I’m glad about just the two. Because otherwise my brain would probably be parted into even smaller pieces and I don’t think this would be good for my mental health (It would be kind of what happend to Lord Voldemort in Harry Potter, parting his soul I presume). But I don’t think I am mentally healthy anyway, because of this brain separation.
And this separation seems to show on my character as well. I don’t pretend to be good at English (which you have probably already noticed), but I cannot help myself using it a lot.
My all day work and conversation I do in german. (Beside my weekly English meet up). So most of my time awake I just use german for any kind of communication.
But when it comes to me, I always ‘talk’ English. My dreams are English, I love reading English books and I cannot stand watching dubbed movies any more (at least when I have heard the actors speaking English before, which is the more the case the more movies I see in English). With American English it isn’t that bad because I don’t like the sound that much and that is quite good because otherwise I couldn’t watch german TV at all. So that’s the first time I am happy about having so many American series on TV and not British (But actually that is the only good thing about it).
I cannot really describe it, but speaking English or hearing people speaking English really makes me crazy. The only other think I know this feeling from is (no, not what you probably think) acting. And that is why I deduced that for me speaking in different languages is like playing different roles.
That is why I’m confused about it. Because I don’t actually play a role, but be myself. So why do I have the same feeling like when acting? Or do I actually play roles? Or is it just another me, which is born in the wrong county? Or is it schizophrenia?
Well, it could be: Cause even when I notice that I think in English, I cannot stop myself. I just talk to myself (in English of cause) about my thinking. Even now, while writing these words, I recognize, that every thought I have is in English. But when it comes to writing, it is fascinating how hard it is to get the right words. First I wanted to mark all the words I had to look up but then I realized that it would look horrible with a * on almost every second word.
And that is the real funny thing about my English tick. I don’t know so many words. So is my English speaking personality dumber than my german one? But actually I can think in English, but just cannot expess what I think. Just like a kid which doesn’t know all the words. Is it dumber than adults? Or does it think differently?
How do I think? And what do I think I am? Or we are? I’m confused, I mean….we are confused.